damned if you do..... damned if ya don't

i didn't do it. like, seriously. i know that everyone that goes to jail claims their innocence hard body no matter what. but seriously, this time i really didn't do it. they put me away anyway tho. 2 nights & 3 days was the sentence. yeah i know it ain't shit but i saw so much people not even make it thru the first 6 hours. its so uneasy when your stuck somewhere for an extended amount of time not knowing what is going to happen to you next.

its wack as hell being in a situation where your at a place you don't belong in and you know it in your heart, but no one else wants to even fathom the thought of believing you. especially when they have to cover their own ass. like.... i went down on account of someone elses mistake. someone who actually has the power to keep me in and out of places like that. but i guess when its a 'your neck on the chopping block, or mine' kind of deal; obviously they choose the former.

i can't blame the system too much i guess. my actions prior to this incarceration may have indeed aided to this sanction to some degree and i'm dealing with that. i guess if i had to be angry at someone i should guide that frustration at myself. but thats not healthy. so with that said; i hold no grudges with anyone involved. i'm a forgiving individual. forgiving myself and others is the first step in my revenge. the second step is proving them all wrong.

i guess the worst part of all this for me is losing the respect of my parents. they worked so hard raising me and this is what they have. a fuck up for a first born son who waited til he was a grown ass man to have a teenage wild streak. i always felt like i never could please them. i never got any recognition or support for anything good i ever did. they only paid attention to the negative aspects of my life. and me being the fuck up i am, i kept feeding them shit to pay attention to.

i can only blame myself for that also. my decisions are just that; my decisions. good, bad or ugly these are things i have to deal with on my own, if not before then especially now. maybe i sound like some self-pitying sob story right now... maybe because i am. my self-esteem, my confidence, my self worth, is definitely at an all time low. i'd be lying if i said suicidal thoughts didn't cross my mind today. I AM NOT GOING TO DO IT. so don't freak out. but seriously, doesn't everyone contemplate killing themselves when things get really bad (maybe, maybe not; if not, feel free to look at me really really weird right now. i won't feel no kinda way about it)?

i know i'll make it out of this slump, most likely when i finish writing this. i just really needed to vent. i'm hurt right now. i feel like i disappointed my parents to a unforgivable degree. worst part is i didn't even do it. i'm going thru all this hurt because some dickhead at a courthouse mixed up my piss cup with someone elses. no one wants to hear that tho. idk. i guess harvey dent said it best, "the night is darkest before the dawn." maybe i put too much worth into quotes from batman movies..... maybe its just a good comforting thing to say.... or maybe its the truth, and around the corner i have some serious blessings coming my way. who knows. all i know is i have a lot to prove to a lot of people before i can start feeling like the old me.

i'm my own worst enemy and i have to retaliate to the abuse i've been giving me.

the best revenge is my success & i have a serious vendetta to fulfill.
-C!

P.S: to my girl Lauraisha, i love you. you always by my side no matter what. i'll give you the world once i own it. to my best friend Matthew, i love you too. blood couldn't make us any more of the brothers we already are. to my immediate family; Chris, don't be like your big brother. be better than me in every way you can & keep making mom & dad proud. M&D (they'll probably never see this in their lives for various reasons), i love yall. i'm a bonehead for a son & even though you guys have lost your faith in me, i love you. hopefully one day i can be fortunate enough to gain that back and we can reconcile everything between us. & Matthew. & most importantly your future daughter-in-law, el.

P.P.S: ayo t'day. happy b'lated. sorry i couldn't make your party tonight. tell them niggas A.C. is nice tho & imma catch up to em in a few months..... niggas in the pen keep callin me baby ye n shit like that.